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| twin snowflakes? | 12.19.2003 | |
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 in elementary school, we had “room mothers” that would come in and “assist” the teacher with holiday parties and crafts. these, so called, room mothers all seemed overzealous and even a little competitive with each other. i’m sure they’re selected by some overly intricate democratic process. during which, tears would be shed and friendships tensed. at these parties, we'd break up into groups. the boys would always want to be in the group with the most attractive matriarch; with the girls desiring the group with the fewest boys. which, worked out perfectly. the hottest mom’s didn’t know shit about crafts, while the more homely housewives made the smoothest scissor-cuts and never strayed outside the lines of perfection. these room mothers always had a way of bringing in some "theme" with faulty or non-existent reasoning that they could get away with because we were kids. for example, for the winter holidays: each and every snowflake is created uniquely. no two are the same. yeah, right. quick fact check: do you have the vaguest idea how many snowflakes it takes to make a square foot of one inch deep, pure snow? then, even if you could come up with some finite number... all you would have to do is add in some consideration for all of the “square foots,” all of the inches above one, on all of the continents of the world, for every year, day, and hour for the entire past, present, and future of weather. staggering, isn’t it? and, these calculations aren’t your typical fourth-grade level multiplication tables. in fact, i’d venture a guess as to the number of existing snowflakes... if numbers that high had been invented. since i’m sure that there’s more interesting, perhaps even truthful lore out there, why do people tell young, impressionable children these sensational lies? it’s all about individuality. teachers, room mothers, and mothers in general want to teach children (for some reason strangely cloaked in analogy) that each child is special and created uniquely. but... i’ll tell you this: weird kids are going to be weird, talented kids are going to follow their gifts, and the “follower” type that these room mothers are targeting... aren’t even going to “get” the analogy, anyway. i read somewhere: “believe it or not! no two snowflakes of exactly the same shape have ever been discovered.” therefore, by obvious logic, no two snowflakes are the same. and no one’s ever going to “discover” them, because: 1. no one is insane enough to fund such a scientific process. 2. when it comes to examining all snowflakes, there isn’t a scientific process. 3. scientists are too busy with this “cure for cancer” thing. why don’t room mothers just tell it like it is. if they really want to use their “duties” as room mothers as a pedestal to instill any sort of values (or esoteric allusions)... how about something like: “winter holidays : room mothers on individuality; snow” hey kids, how about those snowflakes outside? oh, that reminds me... snowflakes are kind of like each of you! [pause for horror] really. when you are being born, god spends a good couple of hours or so uniquely crafting each and every one of you. that, coupled with being an avid fan of the cleveland browns, leaves god with very little time. so, he kind of half-asses his creation of snowflakes. there’s just so many of them, and creation gets so tedious... anyway, after a snowflake’s “birth,” it is nurtured in a soft cloud... kind of like you, now, in this warm, comfortable elementary classroom. then, the snowflake is shoved into a traumatic descent where it acquires all of these debilitating deformities (ones that you can see and ones that you don’t)... this is kind of like when you’ll enter junior high. then there’s the moment when a snowflake either learns to flutter and lands on a cushion of snow in antarctica or slams into some piece of wet, new york city asphalt. and melts. and that, is what will be decided in high school and college. good luck, kids! so you see, a snowflake’s journey is much like your own! oh, look at that snow coming down right now. hopefully room-mommy’s SUV can smash it into the ground to pack it over the ice so that we can get out of the school parking lot! let’s do a craft! then, as per usual, the room mother would get out her cardboard snowflake PATTERN so everyone could make IDENTICAL construction paper snowflakes (?). what’s next? “no two raindrops are the same.” “no two blades of grass are the same.” “all dust particles are unique.” “all ham sandwiches are good... especially with cheese... oh, and they’re all unique, too.” by the way, didn’t we have an ice age? why don’t people talk about that anymore? do we take it for granted that it won’t happen again? ... well, that doesn’t seem like a good idea, does it? |
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| 4:50 am | sui generis said this. | |
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