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| it's masturbatory. | 12.10.2003 | |
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 sometimes things are so self-indulgent. when you think about them... it draws a response stronger than a simple rolling of the eyes. when something starts to sound a little “masturbatory,” you just don’t want to listen anymore. these things are overly self-indulgent on many different levels. some, like the NBA, are on a grand, nationwide scale. others exist on smaller, more localized positions in the grand scheme of things: like... well masturbation. without further ado, here’s a few mid-level things i came up with: the alphabet song: study after study has proven that middle-class soccer-moms’ worst fear is that if they don’t make learning fun for their children they won’t be smart enough to be one of the dorky kids and will end up being one of those scary, and strangely always very pale goth kids. cue: academic songs such as the alphabet song. but, each little kid is entitled to only one time through... then it becomes obnoxious. to all the kids who endlessly sing the alphabet song in public: listen, you’re... what? four years old? congratulations on learning thirty seconds of, historically, one the most recycled tunes in american songwriting (at least up until green day released ‘dookie’). if you’re a true dork/non-pale goth, than you’ll recognize that ‘baa baa black sheep' and ‘twinkle twinkle little star’ sound eerily close to the tune of the alphabet song. “now i know my ABCs, next time won’t you sing with me?” (a) this is all about you, right? you don’t really want anyone to sing with you...would you really be proclaiming your comprehension of the alphabet if everyone around you already knew it? and (b) you probably don’t even know your ABCs. you probably just memorized them just so that you could sing the goddamn song. and although you may not distinguish ‘learning’ and mere ‘memorization’ now, wait until you have to start taking a foreign language. the american gladiators: you know how you can excuse some television shows for probably “looking good on paper”? but american gladiators? even with pretty stationery and well-trained calligraphy... i can’t imagine it ever seeming like a good idea. there are two types of people that should absolutely never wear a spandex singlet... and the american gladiators managed to suit both types up for a competition of strength and agility... that rarely employs either. american gladiators pits grotesquely-muscled freaks of nature against white collar skimps in “events” of will, courage, and strength. these events include one where a “gladiator” stands on a pedestal firing tennis balls out of a plastic gun at the “contender.” who, simultaneously, scampers around trying to hit a bulls-eye above the gladiator’s head with a nerf bow and arrow. another event challenges the contenders to try to juke their way past several gladiators in an attempt to stuff a plus-sized squishy ball into what appears to be a twelve year-old boy’s clothes hamper. as i grew up in the early to mid-90s, a few things about this ridiculous show taught me a lot about life: (a) people will trade quite a bit of nation-wide embarrassment in an attempt to garner a shred of macho-ness, (b) yet, i was strangely drawn to watch them try, (c) oh, and although large breasts may not be the measure of a great woman... having no breasts? well, that’s pretty fuckin’ weird looking. vermont: the other day, i was filling my tank at this gas station down the street from my house. this guy pulls up to the other side of the pump in a chevy caprice. he nodded to me, “i’m from vermont.” how self-righetous. i gave him that ok, you’re a weirdo look that was made famous by the john hughes cinema of the 80s (er, actually, the entire john hughes catalogue). i looked at the caprice. there was a bumper sticker on the... well... bumper. it read: “vermont: so much more than just a state.” god, things like that make me hate vermont. anyway you slice it, and—since this is an article on acting on your own desires without heed to others—YOU will slice it, these things are annoying to people who would rather the “slicing” be a group, team-friendly activity. after all, though there is an “i” in “slice,” there is no “i slice” in “teamwork.” also, that sort of manipulation is masturbatory. |
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| 2:54 am | sui generis said this. | |
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